BLADE TRINITY WITH A MIGRAINE -- by naudy

Subtle

So I had a migraine all weekend. Naturally I watched BLADE TRINITY. Why did I do this? Why, in the midst of agony, would I subject myself to more? Well, it's quite simple. I didn't know I had a migraine. All I knew was A) a dark quiet home was the only place I wanted to be and B) I would have been far more comfortable if I'd ripped my left eyeball out. I didn't know that was a migraine until my co-workers diagnosed me as I was lying on the floor at work today. It's truly remarkable how a Coca-Cola and three Advil can heal someone. I'll never take caffeine for granted again.

But, that's not the story. The story is, because the local eye-ball ripper-out didn't call me to make an appointment, I was forced to do the next best thing which was to watch BLADE: TRINITY. Oddly, the pain in my head distracted me from the actual pain of the movie so I rather enjoyed it. It's pretty silly.

First of all, one of the best things about this film is the fact that Parker Posey is in it. She plays an evil scheming over-styled fashion-victim with Lee Press-On Nails stuck to her teeth who sashays around on spike heels with all the grace of a thirteen-year-old girl. She's remarkably like the evil over-styled fashion-victim who walks around with her mouth open while scheming to insert subliminal messages telling the world she's cool in the movie JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS. At times it made me snicker, particularly when she was bossing the obligatory vampire muscle men around. I constantly expected them to suddenly rip off the sleeves of their shirts and start to carry her around for her musical number. She was pretty great.

I really hate this guy

Also in the movie is a girl who, the illegitimate daughter of Whistler, (Blade's father/keeper/enabler), who's into bow hunting, grunge hop on her IPOD, exposing her navel, and never smiling because it would make her face look too wide. She doesn't talk much, which is fine, 'cause it makes her actually cool. The one person who DOES talk a lot is some stupid guy who, while ripped in that I'm-remarkably-healthy-for-a-strung-out-junky way, is the most irritating part of the movie. I know he's supposed to be the witty banter/comic relief/guy who serves as a contrast to Blade's stoicism, but I hated him. I mostly hated him because his job was to use a lot of profanity and he really made a point of it. Profanity, as you may know, is either to be used casually, or in an attempt to actually call down the powers of darkness. Punching every R-rated word makes you sound like a 10 year old boy who wants to shock and awe his momma and ends up giggling in triumph while his mouth gets washed out with soap. For a movie like this, it's bad bad news and the audience hates this dude right along with Blade.

Pity the hot lonely Daywalker

But, where's the love story you ask? What's a Hollywood blockbuster w/ no luvin? Well, my friend, it's got one. Yup, it's right there and in a surprisingly subtle form. What am I talking about? Well, I'll explain so you won't have to watch the movie. It's right there, hidden in the plot. The story of TRINITY is about vampires who decide to wake up the original vampire and draw his blood so they can use it to clone "Daywalker" vampires. Then, when they've done that, they'll turn the entire human race into racks of brain-dead blood producers sandwiched between bits of Saran Wrap and rule the world, bwa ha ha. Daddy vampire, his name is Dirk or Stan or something like that, has very different ideas. You see, he's lonely. He went to sleep all those thousands of years ago because there wasn't anyone he could talk to, anyone he could relate to, anyone to swordfight with or walk around bare-chested while looking impossibly attractive with. He's a Daywalker and he's all alone. Sure his mouth splits open in three but what's the use when there's no one to share it with? When the vampires wake him up so he can kill Blade he recognizes his one chance for love in this century. He passes some very subtle hints to Blade at the beginning, going on about how no one understands honor and respect anymore, and when Blade ignores him he shows off a bit and stakes that annoying guy/potential rival in the chest. For this we are all grateful since it means stupid's not in two or three scenes. Then, when Blade doesn't call and ask him out, he goes in, eats all of Blade's friends and then takes the 6 year old girl. Rather than eating this little muffin he tries to talk her into becoming a vampire so she can be he and Blade's vamp-child. She rather unblinkingly tells him her friends are coming to kill him. "Oh good!" he thinks, "I get to see Blade again! That was pretty much the point." So, when Blade shows up Mr. Vampire engages him in a little swordfighting foreplay. He even compliments him on his witty banter. Blade, NOT being into it, takes umbrage and does his best to kill Mr. Man.

Poor broken-hearted vampire. He truly loved Blade, but being unable to kiss and hold him in the way friends and lovers do, he, while dying, decides to give Blade the only gift he can. He shapeshifts at the last second to look like Blade so that he can be with Blade, in a weird sick way, as he dies.

Cute, huh? And, I know you are grateful that I told you because now you don't have to see it since you know how it ends. Broken-hearted vamps die for emotionally frigid hunters. Just another day in the life of the City of a Thousand Stories and two hours of my Weekend in Hell.