Monday, October 03, 2005

Beginning Bollywood! -- by naudy

Did you see BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM and mostly like it? Have you heard about Bollywood and are curious about what it's all about? Are you sick of not getting the Abu jokes you hear on 'The Simpsons'? Then use this handy dandy flow chart to plot your course through the crowded waters of Indian cinema!

2a. If NO: See it.
2b. If YES: Did you like it?
---2b-1. If YOU LIKED IT: Good. (If you hated Keira Knightly that's okay. It's the rest of the movie I'm asking about.) Go rent BRIDE AND PREJUDICE
---2b-2. If YOU DID NOT LIKE IT: Stop. Your journey is just about complete. Watch GHANDI so you can be a better human being and you're done!

3. After having seen BRIDE AND PREJUDICE, did you like it?
4a. If NO: Stop. It gets a lot sillier from here so it's probably good to quit now. Go watch DOOM and wash that pleasant wholesome clean movie tase out of your mouth.
4b. If YES: Great! What did you like about it?
---4b-1. The music and dancing were good but I liked the rump-shaking party scene the best!! GO TO #5.
---4b-2. Ashwari Rai is the most beautiful woman in the world. Period. GO TO #6
---4b-3. I enjoyed seeing a glimpse of what India is like and hearing Miss Rai talk about her country. GO TO #7
---4b-4. I was most comfortable with it's Novella-like elements. Univison rocks! GO TO #8
---4b-5. I was happy it didn't have subtitles as I don't like to read that much. GO TO #2b-2.

5. You are the proud supporter of westernized Indian music. Look up the movie CHOCOLATE. ( Enjoy!*
6. Yes she is. Start with the movie HUM DIL DE CHUKE SANAM. It's got amazing production values, beautiful cinematography, catchy songs, naked man-chest, kissing (!!very risque!!), information about how Indians (or at least the makers of this movie) really feel about arranged marriage and folks not from India, and lots and lots of Ashwari Rai. If you like this, you'll like everything she's ever done.*
7. Rent LAAGAN. It's about Indian peasants playing cricket with their British overlords. It's a much more 'manly' movie than the film suggested in #6 because it deals with male posturing, sports, and selling out your buddy 'cause you want his woman. For the ladies there still is plenty of naked man-chest so that's nice. PLEASE NOTE: Were you to request simliar fare from someone else they'd probably recommend several Very Important Films. Giving them to a first-timer is a lot like forcing a six-year-old to watch CITIZEN KANE. They are long, dull, apparently pointless and they pretty much make you want to never see another Indian movie ever again. LAAGAN is better.*
8. Pick up just any old thing starring a man with the last name of "Khan". You'll love it. *

*Please remember with this film, as well as most other Bollywood movies, that it will take a long time to watch. If you rode your bicycle ten miles and paid $12 to see a movie you'd want your money's worth, too. Expect three hours with one intermission.