Thursday, July 21, 2011

Captain America -- as dictated by my sister who refuses to suspend disbelief

PLEASE NOTE: this entire entry is a spoiler.

I don't care how you start it. It's not my blog. I don't blog

It was the most stupid movie ever. It made no sense. None. Oh, well, yeah, it made sense ‘cause there was a plot or something but NONE of that crap was even possible.  Like, hello physics!

And there's no point in even playing 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon because EVERYONE is in this movie. It's over. Like, really? Really Tommy Lee Jones?  And the girl had a British accent for no good reason. She was an "agent" … of what? Who knows…

And then there was Hugo Weaving doing an Arnold impersonation. If I closed my eyes I would swear... 1989 Arnold-- not the governator Arnold, terminator Arnold.  All of these little cute Nazis speaking with Austrian accents ‘cause that’s what Germans do. Speak English with an Austrian accent.
So stupid.

 He’s a sad sad USO officer performing for the troops in Italy when all of a sudden the girl shows up with the 110th. “Oh! my buddy is in the 110th.”  Really?  That’s a surprise? So ridiculous.  Then Tommy Lee Jones shows up and now he's in charge of the 110th. Really? Like that would just happen when he was in R&D just a few months ago? Tommy Lee says “Oh yeah, 110th just got their asses kicked. They got captured. We left 400 guys behind enemy lines”  Captain America says “Whataya gonna do about it?” and Tommy Lee says “We’re gonna leave em there! We‘d kill more men then we‘d save.” 

So Captain steals a girl helmet from a USO girl, which is of course real cause USO girls get real helmets, and then is on a plan being flown by Mr Stark. He stole a plane? How did they get in the air?  30 miles somewhere behind enemy lines he jumps out of the plane under fire and the girl just stands there silhouetted in the doorway bullets flying everywhere. Girl is definitely too stupid to live.
He then magically finds a honking huge factory making bombs, which just happens to be the base for HYDRA.  And the bad guys.. that' the best icon you can come up with?

The Regretsy octopus?

 Steam punk octopus is so ten minutes ago. So stupid. It was ridiculous. Yeah…
His friend happens to be there too. Only one guard on prisoners. Everyone has pulse weapons but no one can hit anything... with pulse weapons.  Pulse weapons that disintegrate everything.  So Stormtrooper. He frees the prisoners who now somehow have guns and no one picks up pulse weapons. 

Then bad guy rips off his face in a Mission Impossible way. Lovely. Really? So stupid.  It was during the little mano a mano scene that happens on the catwalk.  When Captain America showed up the bad guy started the self-destruct sequence but then he wandered around for ten minutes while things exploded.  Oh yeah, he used regular explosives to blow up it up. Not this superior tech lying around, No.  Pulse weapons everywhere and he used crap dynamite to blow up all the blue lasers. Right. Just ridiculous.

So there the good guys all are, 30 miles behind enemy lines, in a tank, and all 400 guys survive in spite of pulse weapons, and next we see Tommy Lee Jones dictating a letter about how everyone is dead when they show up at allied camp... Girl runs out and says “You’re late.”   It’s morning and he’s late? Yeah…  I’m pretty sure it took more than 4 hours to walk 30 miles through enemy checkpoints.

 Then it just goes downhill from there.. the nonsense just keeps going.

Seriously, I had to stop talking because it was so ridiculous. I wouldn’t' have shut up the last 20 min.  So stupid. A huge boomerang-shaped plane,  huge, massive, with 4 huge propellers AND 2 big flame jets/ afterburners... Which they decide to chase with a CAR.  The scale of the plane keeps changing -- it's big, it's small, it's big, it's small  right? So Hagrid.  Make up your mind.... So they are chasing it and his magical vibranium shield protected him from being decapitated.  Magic size-changing propellers vs. Magical boomeranging vibranium shield.  It’s supposed to have no ricochet so it’s obviously called vibranium... That’s there with unobtanium but right below it on the bullshit periodic table of magical substances  

Kills me no one would touch the pulse weapons. No one. We couldn't possibly stop and pick up a weapon on the way, no....  Did we bring one back for research? No. We don't need your Nazi tech. We're good. We kill with bullets.

Anyway, he's on the plane in the bomber deck and sees missiles which are labeled Boston, Philly, and New York. Really? They're German. Yeah Germans might label missiles but they wouldn't do it in English.  Then he's fighting drones on the plane but do any of them stop and say Alert! Intruder! Alarm!? Nope.  Then it turns out these super duper bombs were actually little planes. He got onto one of them and it dropped out the plane and Behold! it’s a bomb with a cockpit and a back propeller!  A bad guy looses his grip and gets sucked through the propeller.. which made no impact on the actual function of the plane. No, that wouldn't dent a rotor at all.

So then he pulled himself from the back, opened the cockpit, ejected the pilot, who missed the rotor this time, climbs into the cockpit, which now has no seat but never mind, and then he Death Stars it.  Shoots the missile right up the cooter of the massive wing plane the bad guy is in, gets out, and goes upstairs to have a 20 min conversation with the bad guy... All this time the bad guy isn't concerned.  He’s filing his nails, watching Captain America on CCTV with his 40's equiptment while en rout to NYC by way of the Artic circle. It's so stupid.
So he gets to the main deck, a huge open soundstage which is allegedly the main cockpit of this plane, and he charges up to the one seat up front and Surprise! the bad guy is hiding behind the door -- like they do.  They have a big talk-off then they kinda fight and then the bad guy, who is now The Mask,

smacks Captain America w his own shield, which is embarrassing, and shoots him with a cute pulse gun, which only makes a tiny hole in the window...

Oh, by the way, at the very beginning when he's running barefoot and half naked in his magical pants through NYC he totally busts through a plate glass window.  He was totally fine.  I’m pretty sure they didn’t have safety glass in the 1940's. No one gets hurt with any glass ever.  Oh yeah.   Yeah.  So stupid.

Magical pants.
He's super hot in his magical pants.  Because the 9 year old body double he was before...
Who puts someone in a huge pressure cooker/tanning bed with woolen pants and a belt on? Really? I’m pretty sure those don't stretch for shit. Pretty sure when he wakes up and is all buff, a 9 year old's pants aren't gonna fit. Ridiculous.

So he fights with the dude.. oh the whole super sphere tech is some cubiform which The Mask got in the beginning.  That was a stupid side plot which took up 5 min at the beginning. So they’re fighting...  Oh, by the way, this huge room happens to have this generator with the Cube of Thor in it.  So when Captain Miracle Pants throws a 200 lb bad guy onto this generator, it magically injures the Thor conductor unlike anything else they've managed to do to this plane so far.

So it gets damaged. So he's right there on it, right? So Mask picks it up in his hand... and he melts half way, the plane somehow goes clear, goes trans-dimensional, suddenly there is the Milky Way, somehow Baddie was gone and there is a huge pulse of light. We don't know where he went. Perhaps he became the red skin guy in Green Lantern? right? Ha.
So stupid. 

Yeah, so he's gone.  And he drops the cube of Thor ‘cause when you get shot into space you'd leave that shit behind. Whatever. Getting teleported…. So, the cube of Thor melts through the plane and drops somewhere in Iceland. Captain already killed 5 dudes downstairs, bad guy is gone, so is by himself in a huge plane which is "going too fast towards New York!"  Yeah. Too fast to land. Girl takes over air flight control, kicks  everyone out for some reason, then he tells her he can't stop it in time to land.. “I’ll take it into the ocean..”   ‘Cause that's the only fucking way you can get that plane out of the sky? I’m pretty sure there's a field somewhere he can land it in. Try Canada. They've got room.  But no, taking it into the ocean is the only thing he can do. 

Anyway, he talks to the girl, yeah... takes the plane down magically in 2 minutes into a huge snow pile which happens to be the Arctic Circle somehow... and she's talking to him and it goes scratchy and then he cuts out.

Tragic. She never got to have her little dance with him. What. Ever. So ridiculous.

So, get this.. if the guys from Mythbusters, if Adam and Jamie can land a plane only with instructions from air traffic control on a first try with no experience flying planes at all, I’m pretty sure that crashing into the Arctic Circle wasn't his only option
So stupid. Like, Really?

Yeah. And then he wakes up and he’s in some room and it's all 40's and stuff and he’s lying in a bed and he's like “Wait! I know that baseball game!” So he busts through the soundstage wall, cause obviously he knew it was one? and proceeds to run his way from the 8th floor through the elevators out to Times Square, because OF COURSE he’s being kept a block from Times Square and not in a containment center in Iceland. So they scramble a bunch of Prius-looking Acuras and surround him in Times Square while he does a 360 gawk. No tire squealing, no wrecks, just quiet polite NYC traffic, right?  Then Samuel fucking L. Jackson comes out to say, “We just wanted you to be comfy when you woke up. You gonna be okay man?” and he says “Yeah…”

Then roll credits and the credits were better than the movie.

We waited through every single credit. the key grips, the 3d cutout people, everyone's assistants, hairdressers, assistants to the caterers, union symbols... .and at the very end a sign pops up that says

Captain America can next be seen in The Avengers.

The whole theater yelled BOO!!!!

It was beautiful. Beautiful 3D. Did a good a good job with the CGI making him a 10 year old. Made his face skinny. Wasn't creepy. They did a good job. But it wasn't, what do you call that, the uncanny valley. No. It wasn't either for The Mask but that was mostly just makeup. They did a very good job. Kudos to the Foley on that one.  3D was really pretty. Everything was in depth. There wasn't just one thing which poked you in the eye like they normally do. Only once.  The hood ornament on the bad guy's car was a  Regretsy octopus that jumped out and poked you in the eye. Sharktapus!

Yeah…. Caroline was like “that was really good!” really?

I do love Stanley Tucci though. And Hugo with his Arnold Swartzenegger accent...

And I am SO GLAD he did not get the girl. Now he's an 80 year old virgin.. HA!

1 comment:

  1. Right on the mark. However, I did enjoy the movie.