THE SEASON OF THE WITCH & RED RIDING HOOD

THE SEASON OF THE WITCH and RED RIDING HOOD both get a (5) because I couldn't actually pay attention to either of them. They both might actually merit a different score (higher or lower) but I can't be bothered to watch them again.



I rented these movies because they looked like the perfect thing to ignore while converting these:

  into these:

You know, like one does.


Which is to say that while I'm a bit squiffy on the intricate plot details, I certainly managed to form an opinion in spite of all the paint fumes and hot glue burns.

SEASON OF THE WITCH is set during the Crusades and the Plague and has a witch and Nicholas Cage, blah blah blah.  What you really need to know is it has this guy:

Ron Perlman

If you don't know him right away you may recognize him as this guy:

"Didn't I kill you already?"

or, for all you Airbender kids out there, this guy:

"You WILL learn respect!"

Is this movie over yet?

Basically Ron Perlman is the man so I was happy to see him.  He's pretty much the only bright spot in a very dim film.  I expected this movie to be a basic horror flick but there was a surprising amount of sword fighting and junk like that.  Nick Cage does his (now-standard) Droopy Dog act, we had to be introduced to characters whom were so covered in dirt as to be interchangeable,  and it was a huge relief when the demons finally showed up so the mess could be over.  Of course there was the obligatory "The Church is horrible!" theme running through the whole thing.

Your outfit is more glamorous than mine! Die!

Really, one can't NOT have someone with entirely modern sensibilities standing around in the 1300's and pointing out that the Crusades were appalling and killing random women for causing a plague is a dumb idea. (Well, unless she's Typhoid Mary.)  If they didn't have someone making commentary on all the horror or demanding that an accused witch "receive a fair trial." (Did those even exist in the 14th century?) then there's a chance someone somewhere might decide that going to a middle eastern country and killing everyone because they don't believe the same things you believe is a really good idea.  (Um, it's not.)

So, ho hum, this movie happened, and if you want to see more Ron Perlman just wait 'till August. He's gonna be in the new Conan movie! (Yay!)

RED RIDING HOOD was a TWILIGHT wannabe starring Amanda Seyfried and some other alleged eye candy.  They even got the dad from the TWILIGHT series to be the dad in this movie.   Everyone was suspiciously clean and attractive and "Valerie" was the most special special snowflake in a teeny tiny town. She is so special, in fact, that the "hot" woodcutter dangerous (wolf)boy and the "rich" quiet not-very-muscular-for-being-a-blacksmith boring guy are competing over her.  She has snarky friends, creepy family connections, a hot red cloak, and nothing to worry about except for an arranged marriage until the.. wait for it.. the RED MOON COMES!!  Ah-ooooo!!!!  (That was a wolf howl. They're hard to spell.)

Luckily Gary Oldman shows up right about then to A) explain what a red moon means, B) cackle delightedly as the townspeople are murdered by a werewolf, and C) slow-roast unwilling mentally impaired witnesses.  So, you know, your average middle-ages purple-dress-wearing warrior-priest.  Everyone is naturally appalled at his behavior and eventually he gets what's coming to him but not before a lot of shouting, sneering, and pseudo-science.

Of course the the boys rescue her from the wolf, grandma gets eaten, and they almost have sex next to a blazing fire in a barn full of dry hay, but other than that it's pretty normal.  Well, normal in a TWILIGHT way.

The overall production value was on par with a really good Xena:Warrior Princess episode.  (Or, if you prefer something more manly, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys starring Kevin Sorbo.) The wolf was about as good as a TWILIGHT wolf.  I did like that the girls in the village had period-appropriate (aka "ugly") hair compared to her.  I always love to see the first rule of period costuming followed: "Make the leading lady hot. Ignore every bit of the 200 hours of historical costuming research you just did and MAKE  HER HOT!!"

Since I don't much like Ms Seyfried, this seems like a lot of work. She looks like this:

and she reminds me of this:

I rest my case.