1. Rather than being called Utah's Annual Bellydance Festival, this event should be called The Greater Salt Lake Area Bellydance Recital As Organized By A Horrible Woman Who Likes To Yell A Lot In Greek.
2. Since everyone has had the same teachers, everyone dances the same. The four favorite styles (in order of popularity) are:
a. Egyptian Cabaret
b. Drill Team Tribal
c. Fusion (a.k.a. Whatever I Want)
d. Actual Folk Dancing
3. Bellydancing isn't Greek. Constantly yelling "OPA!" makes no sense.
4. If you are performer from out-of-town who hasn't studied with anyone from SLC, hasn't kissed enough SLC butt, or dares to do something not in one of the four favorite styles, expect:
a. no introduction
b. a vicious commentary throughout your entire number by the MC (the much-loathed Babs De Lay) (or was it Yasmina Roque whom I hated?)
c. a lot of thinly-veiled hatefullness when you're done.
5. Talking about how bellydancing is an art form designed to liberate and empower women but only cheering on those dancers who want to be strippers is a transparent way to keep your permit.
6. If dancers are good the audience won't have to be told to clap. Nagging us to appreciate the mediocre is irritating.
7. When describing people, try not to use the words "iridescent" or "translucent" unless the persons being described are actually shiny or see-through.
8. When dancing, try to coordinate your moves to the beat of the music. If that's too hard, don't use music. Just tie jingle bells to your ankles and carry a tambourine. It would probably make the number a lot more interesting.
9. Those happy and creative beings called "musicians" who happen to be in what's known as a "band" are sub-human and should be treated accordingly. Make sure everyone else knows this, too.
10. If you look like you don't belong or aren't complying, have your business licenses and permits ready when the cops come. Then post an ACLU sign in an obvious place and hope someone's got a video camera.
11. If your husband is clapping and screaming "OPA!!" everytime the wanna-be Laker Girls do a Carmen Electra stripper roll-up & slap their butts, rest assured it's because he's strongly supporting these women's strength and empowerment. I mean, what else could it be? (Certainly not the bottle of wine he drank before he came....)
12. "Isis Wings" (or what my little sister calls "those things which push you from the "I dance because I like it" category into the "I'm going to start leaving lures around the neighborhood because I need more cats! More!! MORE!!!" category) if used, should be used for more than 2 minutes. If it took your momma 2 weeks and $500 to make 'em, they deserve a little more time on stage.
13. If you are dancing, dance from the heart and not the pole.
Bellydancing in Utah is a lot like Hula. The popular conception is of a young thin thing shaking it in a bikini. Really it's a 300 lb. grandma in a mumu who can kick your trash. Accept this. Enjoy it. Grandmas rock.
