GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE - 2

Can you see Cage? No? Perfect!

This movie, directed by the dudes who brought us CRANK, and JONAH HEX, is a perfectly serviceable Romanian/Turkish film about the Devil's gypsy baby mama, tattooed monks, wine, and a demon-possessed motorcycle-riding leather-clad Nicholas Cage who can look in your eyes and suck out your soul.  But enough about him.  His character in this film looks like a burning skeleton and can pee fire.

I know none of you will be surprised when I tell you that Mr Cage's performance was self-indulgent.  But, just in case you aren't sure what I mean, let me show you this still from the movie:

This is not the horrifying part of this movie.  The scene BEFORE this one is the worst.

Yeah.  That is Cage completely out of control as he pretends to be "fighting the demon" by acting like a crack head coming down off of some really bad drugs while recklessly riding his motorcycle through some random part of eastern Europe.  It is completely appalling.

However, the movie isn't a total disaster.  First of all, there is this man:

"I am so awesome even I have to squint when in the presence of me!"

This is Idrissa Akuna "Idris" Elba, aka "That man with the rainbow eyes" from THOR.  He is the best part of the movie.  Also entertaining was Ciaran Hinds as a very much damaged Satan.  He pretty much sagged at folks and wore nice clothing.

"Where am I? Who are you people? Am I drunk? Yes? Well, that's alright then..."

There was some plot stuff revolving around a kid and his mom, blah blah blah, but then the Highlander shows up.

"This movie wouldn't quite be bad ENOUGH without me."

So that happens.  And, honestly, I laughed a lot during this movie.  I enjoyed parts of it and I really appreciated the loving and exhaustive attention to detail demonstrated by the computer animators.  The 300 hours which must have gone into making sure that Cage's black leather jacket constantly bubbled like hot tar were totally worth it.  Beautiful work by all the crew and costumers, makeup and tech.  This would have been a fantastic movie had it featured an actor who is actually A) cool, B) hot, or C) capable of moving even moderately quickly.  Cage is starting to look and move like my grandpa.  He lurches around like John Wayne in his late years and has the skin texture of a dead chicken.  I think Sylvester Stallone would actually have been a better choice in this role. That's pretty sad because Sly is eighteen years OLDER than Cage and he still looks better/is cooler than Nick ever was.

"And I always will be... "