47 RONIN -- (a very sad 5)

Are you familiar with pollarding?   It's an ugly way to trim trees, usually mulberry or willow trees.  Basically, they cut all the limbs off and when spring comes the tree has to sprout lots of little weak branches in order to survive.  It keeps the tree in a permanent juvenile state and over time the tree can become hollow.  One sees this done mostly to trees in cheaper apartment complexes and it's horrible.  I always wish they would put the tree out of it's misery and chop it down altogether rather than continuing to keep it in such a weird state.   All the new little branches are weak when they sprout out of the stumpy ends of the large limbs.   The break away easily because they really aren't a part of the larger tree but just a desperate means of survival.  They are decorative and essential but not really a part of the larger plan of the tree.

This brings me to 47 RONIN.

"Finally."

47 RONIN was born to be an Akira Kurosawa film. 

This shot is pure Kurosawa.

It wanted to be visually breathtaking in it's accuracy and depth and performed in the Japanese language.  It is based on the ULTRA tradtional story from Japan, a story which is so ingrained into national culture that performances of it has it's own word.  47 RONIN wanted to take the Robin Hood story of Japan and turn it into something breathless and moving and amazing and totally Japanese.

Then, the studio did this

because this movie was made by a U.S. company.  I'm pretty sure the logic was "If Japanese movies were capable of making billions of dollars, they would be Hollywood and not us."  (Apparently manga doesn't count. Ever.)   So, all of the major branches 47 RONIN was born to have were cut off and a lot of tiny weak branches were forced to grow so this movie could survive.  The witch lady and the demon priests and Keanu Reeves were not bad branches.

"Are you sure?  Because even I am wondering if I'm a bad idea..."

Everyone did their best.  But, they were simply minor branches which were expected to bear the weight of the movie instead of being the decorative and supporting elements they are.

Keep in mind that a gargantuan amount of money was spent on this film.

This is what a LOT of money looks like.

The clothing, the sets, the camera work, the actors, the CHERRY BLOSSOM TREES... everything is as perfect as it could possibly be.  (Well, I do have some serious questions about the necklines of Mika, the lead female character, but I can't technically complain about her costumes 'till I do more research.)

I didn't even know kimono could HAVE cowl collars.

However, no matter how glorious thing were in detail, the heart and strength of this movie is gone.  It's hollow and sad.

The studio knows it, too.   The marketing is silly

"I am in this movie for exactly 45 seconds and I got my own movie poster."

and they play up all sorts of weird elements rather than talk about the actual story.

"Are you REALLY sure I should be in this movie?  It seems strange..."

However, they already had done glorious things like this

Pictured: more money

so it was far too late to do this.

I'm glad I saw it.   It was beautiful.  But, it was also really sad and not just because everyone dies in the end.

DHOOM 3 - (Greatest Movie EVER!)

So, I forgot my phone at home today.  This is pretty much like loosing your left hand - upsetting but survivable.   Then I found out that there is a place called Roos-N-More which is only two hours away where you can hang out with otters!

OTTERS!  HOLDING HANDS!!

Then I found out that they are open tomorrow....aaaaand I can't go because I promised to play the piano tomorrow at 9am.

When I got home after work and got my 22 text messages and 5 missed phone calls, I learned that the party I had hoped to go to was cancelled.  What was worse was my friend Christopher had 2 tickets to the Nutcracker waiting in Will Call for me and I MISSED IT!

I felt like this.
(I know, I use a lot of gifs these days.)

Anyway, the only possible solution was to go see DHOOM 3, the third in a series of films I did not see the first two of.  I knew I was in the right place when the preview before the movie was this epic:

No, seriously, you should watch this thing.  All of it

Then, I knew I was in for an extraordinary film when the opening credits of DHOOM 3 looked like this:

Seriously.

I'm pretty sure you, the reader, won't go see this movie (even though you totally should!) so I am going to tell you about it.   First of all, there's this cop who can punch through brick walls.  He has a sidekick with terrible fashion sense and a fetish for motorcycles.  Mr. Cop is hateful to his friend and to everyone else he comes in contact with.

This is what "good" police work looks like.

Just let me repeat that they both like motorcycles a LOT and spend most of the movie riding them.  Mr Cop is the literal worst.  He thinks it's cool to push his sunglasses up by shoving the bridge of them with a finger and you are treated to slow-mo views of this.  And, most unforgiveably, he has ugly hair.  It hurt my eyes.

Here he is in the most blatantly green-screened shot in the whole film.  I actually giggled.

Then, there's Mr. Thief in Chicago who has astonishingly fabulous fashion sense and sticky-out ears.

"Hello.  ALL of my clothing is amazing and perfectly tailored."

 We love him because he is Circ and I live in Vegas.   Circ = Good.

I mean, how could it not be?

And of course there's a girl because without her, no one would sing the theme song:

It's not a bad song.

And then a lot of stuff happens which you should totally watch.

DHOOM 3's three hours and one fifteen-minute intermission was enough to convince me that this is my new favorite movie.  Here is a song I dedicate to this film:

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG - (7)

This movie is exactly what you expect it to be - serious, beautifully done, and long.  So, really, no surprises from the Weta Workshop except for most of the plot.  However, when you make 9 hours of movie from a small book, apocrypha is not just necessary, it's essential.

Anyway, there's no reason to get into it all because I am mentally moving Peter Jackson movies into the same category of Vin Diesel movies.  Either you are a person who sees them, or you are not.  Therefore, this movie gets the same treatment as any other FAST AND FURIOUS franchise film.   You don't need a review, you need a list.




Stuff in THE HOBBIT:THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG--

1. White-Water Rafting, Dwarf Style: When the dwarves are tumbling along a river in wooden barrels, it is kind of funny.  When the orcs show up it gets serious.  When the elves show up it gets crazy.   When watching this level of over-the-top chaos I half expected The Rock to show up and say something ridiculous while throwing a chair.

"Wait, what?  I thought Dwayne was coming!  Why am I in this barrel then?"

2. Beards: You never have to listen to dwarves who have long beards.  All the dwarves who actually matter (and who try to hook up with elves) keep their beards trimmed.

"We don't like to talk about it but Peter Jackson is actually a beardist.  All dwarves know that long beards are best.  However I manage to look like Ringo Star so I guess that's okay..."

3. Impeccable Design: WOW do elves have style!

"Darling, you doubted?  I breathe glamour."

4. Maturation: Speaking of elves, Orlando Bloom is now a grown-up adult human male.  You can see it in his face:

His jaw filled out and his skin tone darkened, like normal adult males do.  However, he is a HUMAN and not an actual elf, which poses a bit of a problem for the filmmakers. He no longer has the adolescent (elfish) look he did in the LOTR trilogy and unfortunately no amount of desperate photoshop can cover it.

"Hi!  I was twelve in this photo of the first trilogy!  Also, my eyes apparently grew less blue as I aged."

5. Age: Speaking of faces, Gandalf looks HAD!

"I blame the bunnies."

6. Stephen Fry: And in other parts of the movie, Stephen Fry shows up.  Stephen Fry!!!

"Hello, yes, I am Stephen Fry and I am disgusting and charming simultaneously. Also, Peter, you don't actually have to be with me ALL the time.  In fact, I would appreciate it if you relinquished watching me sleep as a research tool."

7.  Dragon: Quick, put on your surprised face.

"Hi there."

8.  Nasty Hobbitses: Also, there's this guy Bilbo who shows up some times.

"Wait?  Am I in this movie?"

He slaps around in his giant feet and does cute Martin Freeman stuff.

"Peter Jackson should have told me that walking around on piles of gold coins is difficult to do without tripping.  I mean, we ARE filming this on his Uncle Scrooge McDuck-style basement hoard of gold."

9.  Females: There is one girl- 

"Hello. Unlike Orlando, I actually DO look like an elf, and I totally dig short hairy guys who throw rocks."

and she is good at fighting/killing orcs.

".. and RAARGRLHSSSSS shall be my battle cry!"

10.  And finally, yes there are Spiders.

"Fun!"