THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG - (7)

This movie is exactly what you expect it to be - serious, beautifully done, and long.  So, really, no surprises from the Weta Workshop except for most of the plot.  However, when you make 9 hours of movie from a small book, apocrypha is not just necessary, it's essential.

Anyway, there's no reason to get into it all because I am mentally moving Peter Jackson movies into the same category of Vin Diesel movies.  Either you are a person who sees them, or you are not.  Therefore, this movie gets the same treatment as any other FAST AND FURIOUS franchise film.   You don't need a review, you need a list.




Stuff in THE HOBBIT:THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG--

1. White-Water Rafting, Dwarf Style: When the dwarves are tumbling along a river in wooden barrels, it is kind of funny.  When the orcs show up it gets serious.  When the elves show up it gets crazy.   When watching this level of over-the-top chaos I half expected The Rock to show up and say something ridiculous while throwing a chair.

"Wait, what?  I thought Dwayne was coming!  Why am I in this barrel then?"

2. Beards: You never have to listen to dwarves who have long beards.  All the dwarves who actually matter (and who try to hook up with elves) keep their beards trimmed.

"We don't like to talk about it but Peter Jackson is actually a beardist.  All dwarves know that long beards are best.  However I manage to look like Ringo Star so I guess that's okay..."

3. Impeccable Design: WOW do elves have style!

"Darling, you doubted?  I breathe glamour."

4. Maturation: Speaking of elves, Orlando Bloom is now a grown-up adult human male.  You can see it in his face:

His jaw filled out and his skin tone darkened, like normal adult males do.  However, he is a HUMAN and not an actual elf, which poses a bit of a problem for the filmmakers. He no longer has the adolescent (elfish) look he did in the LOTR trilogy and unfortunately no amount of desperate photoshop can cover it.

"Hi!  I was twelve in this photo of the first trilogy!  Also, my eyes apparently grew less blue as I aged."

5. Age: Speaking of faces, Gandalf looks HAD!

"I blame the bunnies."

6. Stephen Fry: And in other parts of the movie, Stephen Fry shows up.  Stephen Fry!!!

"Hello, yes, I am Stephen Fry and I am disgusting and charming simultaneously. Also, Peter, you don't actually have to be with me ALL the time.  In fact, I would appreciate it if you relinquished watching me sleep as a research tool."

7.  Dragon: Quick, put on your surprised face.

"Hi there."

8.  Nasty Hobbitses: Also, there's this guy Bilbo who shows up some times.

"Wait?  Am I in this movie?"

He slaps around in his giant feet and does cute Martin Freeman stuff.

"Peter Jackson should have told me that walking around on piles of gold coins is difficult to do without tripping.  I mean, we ARE filming this on his Uncle Scrooge McDuck-style basement hoard of gold."

9.  Females: There is one girl- 

"Hello. Unlike Orlando, I actually DO look like an elf, and I totally dig short hairy guys who throw rocks."

and she is good at fighting/killing orcs.

".. and RAARGRLHSSSSS shall be my battle cry!"

10.  And finally, yes there are Spiders.

"Fun!"