FAST FIVE

I bought a Coke at the theater.  Do you know what goes well with a complete lack of self-respect?  A sugary caffeinated beverage, that's what.

So, my $6 soda and I walked into a theater and a Vin Diesel movie happened.  In the spirit of full disclosure I need to now tell you that I am one of the 25 million people who have clicked the Vin Diesel "Like" button and in return facebook gives me little gems like this:

Do you know what goes well with messages of confidence-building affirmation?  A beefcake photo of yourself, that's what.  I mean, it worked for Ghandi, right?

As you can see the similarities are striking.


Anyway, I would talk about the plot but there's no point because you are either someone who watches Vin Diesel movies or you are not.  There's no hierarchy of cost either.  People don't ask themselves "Should I make the trek down to the local art house cinema to catch this film or should I simply wait for the Criterion Masters of Cinema DVD collection to come out and save a few dollars?"  Nope.  Whether you see FAST FIVE on opening night or three years from now on basic cable at 3pm on a Saturday because nothing else is on besides golf, you are still a Vin-Diesel-movie-watcher.  All you really need is a list.  Here it is.

The FAST FIVE Breakdown

5 significant explosions (2 of them sad)
1 exploding toilet scene
1 deliberate driving of a car off of a cliff
 Rio De Janero
1 Dwayne Johnson saying "keep your thunderwear on, men"
1 slum
1 Ludacris
4 walls breaking as Vin Diesel leaps through them
4 stolen cop cars
1 stolen cop car drag race
12+ cash house women in underwear (those Brazilians are prudes! Underwear? Crazy!)

5 tearful references to "familiga"
6 gallons of water that must have been spritzed on The Rock's bald head throughout the course of this film
2 bald man face-offs
2 motorcycles being gleefully smashed by cars
10+ shots of Brazilian booty
1 sexy look + 1 broken heart = being released from handcuffs by a hot female police officer
1 scene involving a car, a bridge,  a ton of corrupt police officers, and a vault... BEST SCENE EVER!!!
and
1 Susan who may have driven home a teensy bit too fast but only because her belly hurt from drinking that much caffeine.  Really.  =)