BEOWULF -- 7

10 Things I Learned from BEOWULF

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1. Naked CGI men can be HOT!! (Let's hear it for technology!!)

2. Apparently, if you're hot enough, mermaids do exist.

3. So do demons.

4. There is no reason for me to grow my hair out 'cause it will never ever turn into a braid long enough and smart enough to be used as an extra limb.

5. Crispin Glover is the creepiest man alive and I'd totally stalk him if he didn't freak me out.

6. The next time I'm an evil demon screaming "GIVE ME A SON!!!" at a man, I need to make sure he's not an Anthony Hopkins-type of man. Apparently they give you babies with no ears or skin.

7. molten gold = good clothing alternative

8. Hey! They had snow plows to clear the roads back then, too!

9. Violence in 3D is just that much more disturbing.

10. Sometimes it pays to be the crabby best friend who refuses to go along with every stupid idea your buddy has. Gets ya the kingdom and no demon sons.

BOURNE ULTIMATUM -- 9

10 Cool Things About BOURNE ULTIMATUM

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1. The camera work wasn't as shaky as it was in BOURNE SUPREMACY!

2. Whatever hisory Bourne and Nicky Parsons (Julia Stile's character) had, I didn't have to hear about it!!!

3. All of those places in London? I'v been there!!!

4. The evil scientist and brainwashing facility look EXACTLY like the evil scientist and adamantium-injecting facility Wolverine went to in the X-Men movies!

5. When a reporter panicked & disobeyed instructions, he got shot in the head, which is what would reallyhappen!

6. Most of the good guys are ladies!

7. The bad guys actually keep records of all the bad things they did! Just like Nazis!!

8. Someone in the government actually gets in trouble for doing very bad things!!!!

9. Matt Damon!!!

10. Julia Stiles can never ever come back again!!!!!

HOT FUZZ -- 10!

10 Things I Love About HOT FUZZ!

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1. Toothpicks and cheap gas station sunglasses

2. Farmer's Mums

3. Model Villages

4. Aaron A. Aaronson

5. The Andys

6. Timothy Dalton

7. "Fire" by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown

8. Silly police cars in England

9. Priests screaming "PEAS AND CARROTS" while falling to the ground

10. The Greater Good

DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN -- 8

I liked it! I didn't see it in the theater cause the preview showed a man in old lady drag chainsawing a couch in half. I'd already lived through BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE and decided to give DIARY a miss. I'm sad I waited so long. Unlike BIG MOMMA'S the fat-suited man in DIARY is not the hero but eh crazy comic relief who gets into fights, pulls guns on people, wont go to church until they get a smoking section, nad only lets her brother live with her 'cause she wants his Social Security check. In short, Madea Simmons is the wild woman you want to be, minus the line dancing.

DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN is really a sweet Christian fairy tale without the normal self-righteous tang most self-conciously Christian movies have. The standard glossy perfection, the smug assurance that everything is simple and always works out perfectly if you just do what your'e told is absent in this film. Instead, Madea, the larger than life grandma, somehow keeps it real by acting on what we really want to happen (punching someone in the face) and accepting the consequences of that action (house arrest.)

Basically, see it. The men are impossibly beautiful and well-spoken, the women are all strong and wise, and gun-toting grandmas are the best things around.

HAIRSPRAY -- by naudy

GO SEE IT!!!!

Really. I loved it SO MUCH and while I normally wouldn't make a unilateral recommendation for a musical, this one is funny and clever enough to be enjoyed by everyone. Yes, this means you. Guys can pretend that they're only going 'cause their girlfriends/grandmas are making them go if it makes them feel better, but they'll enjoy themselves just as much as the rest of us.

Seriously, it made me happy. Tracy Turnblad is the cutest little dumpling, EVER!, with her tiny kitten hands and fantastic hair. John Travolta is good, too, and he not only nails the wretched Baltimore accent, but stands around just like my sisters do if they're not feeling very confident in themselves, which is exactly what Mrs. Turnblad should do.

Music is great, costumes are fantastic, and it's hilarious. Go see it.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX -- by naudy (7)

If this is the film that tells us whether or not these child actors can make the transition to real actors, then I'm ready to text in my vote, or dial whatever 888 number they flash on the screen. If there was any inhuman task, any impossible feat which would guarantee Emma Watson (aka Hermione) would NEVER BE FILMED AGAIN, I would do it in a heartbeat.

That being said, the director of PHOENIX managed to minimize her damage to this film pretty well. Her reaction shots only gave me a small rash and one that was easily treated with a mild steroid cream.

David Yates (director) made a subtle, workman like film ideally suited for television and one which made me question the point of making films about books at all. Obviously a Potter movie will always make hideous piles of cash, but why should I so see it? I'v managed to avoid SPIDER MAN III and PIRATES III, so why POTTER V? Harry is a pill all throughout the incredibly huge book, anyway, so what will watching him for two hours do for me?

I don't have a good answer but I have some ideas. The Potter movies I have really enjoyed always showed me something of the characters that was physical, something personal that I'd never imagined, gave me a glimpse into who these kids really are and what they're doing/feeling. The plot can be cut up and rearranged all you like as long as the characters become better, bigger, more real. When character is neglected for cheap effects and plodding plots, my response is... eh. Who cares?

So, there you go. Evanna Lynch is perfectly wonderfully lovely as Luna "Looney" Lovegood, Imelda Staunton manages to portray the ultimate in pink evil as Dolores Umbrage, and everyone with any sort of acting chops at all has a lovely time. Daniel Radcliff works very hard in this film to show Harry as something other than a whiny git, even going to far as to develop a tic he mentally picks up from Lord Voldemort, but the script lets him down. Shame, really. But Dan can rest comfortably knowing he would get my first vote on "Who Can Act Their Way Out Of Puberty/A Paper Bag?"

OCEAN'S THIRTEEN -- by naudy (6)

Now, we all know that Brad Pitt is this generation's Robert Redford but it's unfortunate that his skin is beginning to look like un-cooked cookie dough, just like Mr. Sundance. George Clooney, childless, Jolie-less, and fancy-free only gets prettier as he ages, thus proving my long-standing theory that brunettes age better than blondes.

Oh, and about the movie. It's stylish and clever and smug and funny. So there.

AN OPEN LETTER

To: Michael Bay
CC: Steven Spielberg


Dear Sir,

While I wouldn't argue that TRANSFORMERS is a no holds barred, adrenaline fueled thrill ride, I do have some questions. They are as follows:


1. Does Stephen Hawking know what sort of havoc you are wreaking on the space-time continum? Unless this film was set on Mercury, with it's much much quicker planetary spin, the sudden changes from day to night and back again are staggering. I understand quick cuts from night to morning as an easy transition but mid-day to midnight in the duration of one soldier's video call to his family? Are you kidding me? It is not only a bit abrupt but shows complete disregard for the craft AND the audience when Sam leaves his house at six in the evening and arrives at the lake party around 2pm.
I'm just sayin'.

2. If the Autobots and Decepticons learned everything they know from the internet then how is it theDecepticons only ever watched bad '70's porn? 'Cause that's the ONLY way to explain the preponderanceof mustaches on their theoretical (holographic?) drivers. Thank you for not using '70's porn music as well.

3. Speaking of the '70's, what's with the giant Bat signal to communicate?? Do they use CB radios, too? These guys are so advanced they ushered in the modern age while unconcious but they can't manage to send a basic "Hey yall,the party's here!" signal without using a spotlight? Please....

4. I know dogs don't look up and police officers are sometimes called dog faces so does it somehow follow that two hellicopters full of men will somehow be unable to look up and see the GIANT ROBOT HIDING IN THE BRIDGE???
They have infrared goggles but seeing the sky is too scary?? No. Next time you go for a cheap plot device, try to find a more complicated bridge. One a helicopter can't fly under and look up the skirts of.

5. Who gave you the photographs of John Tuturo with and underage prostitute 'cause that's the ONLY way to explain his presence in this film at all. His blatant contempt for the entire project was obvious and only increased when he was reduced to wearing "Aloha" boxers for the sake of a cheap gag.

6. Are you sure the Patriot Act allows Australian strippers to do Defence department work at the Pentagon? And is there a strict four-inch-stilletto's-only rule if they are?

7. If everyone's hair had to be perfect so any single frame from the film could be used in Tiger Beat magazine, how is it our leading lady could barely open her mascara-caked eyelashes from the weight of the clumps? Heard of
and eyelash comb? Talk to makeup.

8. While on the subject, do you only belive in Girl Power on alternate Tuesdays?? 'Cause any girl who has been to Juvie, stole cars with her dad, hot wires things,picks handcuff locks, can take apart and put together an entire car, and managed to cut off the head of a stabby-looking robot with an electric knife OBVIOUSLY is going to have a breakdown for no reason while hiding in an alley?? Is going to scream "I'm going to die" while driving erratically? Is going to be surprised that the guys she dates are jerks? Is going to refuse to get in a car while being chased by a giant robot? Is going to drive a Vespa???!!!
Perhaps you could re-think your attitude towards women before making your next film. Then talk to Joss Whedon.

9. Have you heard of the Episodes I - III Rule, as made famous by George Lucas? It goes like this -- "Just because you can, dosn't mean you should."
Enough said.

10. Location, Location, Location. Who do you think you're kidding?? We know what L.A. looks like and we know it's more than 20 min away from Las Vegas. Giant robots crush everything with their weight but somehow residential houses and 100 year old observatories can bear their weight? That observatory is in
EVERY MOVIE made in L.A., starting with Rebel Without A Cause. No one can hide out there without shoving their way through thirteen film crews! By the way, the Hoover Dam was built by ROOSEVELT and re-named
for Hoover later.


Thank you for your time,
Sincerely,
Naudy.

GHOST RIDER -- by naudy

Okay, first of all, I watched this movie with my 6 year old nephew, Matthew. He loves it. In fact, he loves it so much he had to tell me what was going to happen before it happened, do a quick demonstration of the coming action, point out said action when it occurred, and then follow up with a thorough instant reply of the action all while saying "Susan! Look! Look at me! Did you see? Susan!"

It's cute and I managed to become very very familiar with parts of the film this way. Which was just fine as GHOST RIDER is exactly the sort of film one can only watch parts of and really enjoy. It's a silly ridiculous exciting fun ride of a film. Nicholas Cage gets to do his sub-standard Elvis impersonation, Sam Elliot does the exact same charming thing he does in every movie he's in, and Eva Mendes more than adequately fufills her role of the bootylicious Latina. The nephew informed me the bad guy actor isn't actually Satan, even though he's scary and bad, and the other scary guys aren't real either -- just in case I got scared. Oh, there is some sort of plot thingy, too, but it didn't seem to matter much to Matthew or the filmmakers so I won't bother mentioning it.

I will mention this, though-- watch this movie with someone young, or young at heart, and you'll have a lot of fun. =)

MAHOGANY vs. DREAMGIRLS -- by naudy

Who do you think you're kidding??

Mahogany was made in 1975 and it features tripped out white folks, Diana's roller-rink-kabuki fashions, and a lot of the scrawny Miss Ross herself. The overall message of the film is, ostensibly, "Success doesn't mean anything w/out someone to love." The real message is "you may be talented and have big dreams but you should give up everything for your man, no matter how annoying he is." It's aggravating. I personally don't think it's a good idea to work your entire life to be a fashion designer and give it up right when you finally get what you've sacrificed everything for but, I'm not sleeping with Billy Dee Williams, am I?

DREAMGIRLS is kinda about Diana Ross and The Supremes. Diana says it's not true (as does her slavishly devoted biographer) and I actually kinda believe her. DREAMGIRLS is actually a life story of Miss Beyonce set forty years earlier.(The sudden personnel changes w/in Destiny's Child and Beyonce's solo work reflect the truth of this.) However, there is a little Diana Ross in the movie. The attitude of one of the characters in DREAMGIRLS, Curtis Taylor, Jr. (Jamie Foxx) exactly reflects the entire life philosophy of "Brian" (Billy Dee Williams) in MAHOGANY. One could attribute this to the times or you could just decide that many of the people in Diana Ross' life were manipulative control freaks. I know I did.

So, that sucks. As for the music in both films, it's really good. Eddy Murphy is pretty much the best thing ever invented, and while I REALLY don't think Jennifer Hudson deserved an Oscar, the girl's got some pipes.

David Attenborough (from 8 to 10 stars)

So recently I've been blessed to review lots of nature type videos with David Attenborough. I think they are all great. I know that he's done about half a million of them over the years but with improving camera technology and so forth some of these recent ones have been really cool. Some I have in mind include The Private Life of Plants, Life in the Undergrowth, and the Life of Mammals. As I said, the images are great. He looks at some pretty fascinating organisms and has gone out of the way to catch some in pretty rare and fascinating situations. Check them out.

Lucia di Lammermoor

The show opens this Saturday night. Mind-blowing peformance by Sara Coburn, the Lucia. It's as high gothic as high gothic gets and I'm so glad I'm a part of it. Plus, i get to wear a pretty dress.

THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA -- by naudy (8)

Okay, so why is it okay for all of your friends to be horrible and dump you because you're growing as a person? Admittedly, it's not nice to stab your coworkers in the back and take their trips to Paris away from them, but is it so bad to wear nice clothes and be sucessful? Is it so terrible to have a high-stress demanding job and to meet those demands? I have a friend who is an assistant and she ALWAYS has her phone with her and it ALWAYS rings. We, her friends, would NEVER steal it from her or give her crap about always being busy. It's just what she does, who she has chosen to be.

In THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA, Miss Andi's friends and boyfriend are much less reasonable. Instead they're sulky and put-out about her not paying attention to them when they want her to. It's not fair. Did she sulk when her boyfriend became a chef? Chefs are never home. Chefs never have the day off. Chefs work 14 days at a stretch and don't come home until well past midnight. This isn't normal but it's good for her boyfriend and part of his dreams. Miss Andi apparently can't have a job that is at least that demanding. Ostensibly, her friends don't like her 'cause she abandoned one set of dreams for another. I don't think this is a problem.

Anyway, of course Meryl Streep is fantastic. The clothing is fantastic. I went to see it with my buddy and we spent the whole time elbowing each other when we recognized things from fashion magazines and exclaiming that so-and-so is also in desperate need of Chanel. I liked looking at it, I loved Meryl Streep and I enjoyed the film. I just wish her stupid friends would have backed off and let her become the person she wanted to be, WITHOUT having her phone stolen.

VEGAS IN SPACE -- by naudy (10)

So, there are movies about campy people and then there are movies which are CAMP. Camp in it's purest most overwrought form, something John Waters knows he dosn't do. John Waters tries to tell people that he makes crap movies, not camp. Camp movies are something else entirely, something indescribably energetic and ridiculous.

VEGAS IN SPACE is camp in it's purest form. Filmed entirely in one man's living room and starring mostly drag queens, it's an amazing testamonial as to what a pack of friends can do if they've got 300 wigs and two metric tons of glitter and mylar to do it with. It's a film that could only be made in the '70's with the blatant disregard for having normal colored hair of skin or, well, anything.

VEGAS IN SPACE is much more charming than BARBARELLA, way less messagy than TO WONG FU, and far less good than PRISCILLA. In fact, this film is nothing like any of those films. It's most closely related to anything by Ed Wood except with color, worse acting, and a lot more laughs. Watch for black market beauty pills, beauty masks, eeiry saran wrap sets, visible wires, and my favorite character, Princess Angel.

New York Doll -- review by Jacobus

I'm not entirely sure why I put this one in my Netflix queue in the first place. Either a friend or the system recommended it and though I cannot call myself a punk fan, I do generally enjoy it and probably said "Why not? It's worth a shot." I had no idea what I was really getting into and I have to say that watching this movie was a really wierd experience. First of all Morrissey was in it, a lot. In it he claims that there are certain musicians who you hear at a certain time in a certain way that impresses you so much that as time passes you never really lose interest in them and you are willing to forgive them getting old and fat etc. and that the Dolls were such a band for him. And as anyone who knows me knows, Morrissey is that sort of musical performer for me. So... I have to confess that as a personal weakness that made me more attentive and interested than the show perhaps deserved.

Another aspect of this show that made it quite a strange experience for me was of course the religious aspect. I think I may have spent so much time worrying about how the show and LDS interviewees were going to portray Kane's spiritual life that I didn't get to fully deal with the qualities of the documentary on their own. There are certain ways in which religions and cultures intersect that can frequently get my blood boiling. Despite my fears, I never found myself offended. I was actually gratified by the way they dealt with the issues of showing the spiritual in the midst of the worldly without significantly manipulating facts to push an agenda and without too much apologizing for either point of view. I think this principle finds its culminating expression during the ending credits when Johansen performs "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief." It was kind of a trip.

I rated it at 4 out of 5 schnozzberries but I'm not really sure what it deserves.