Don't worry, I'm not a professional

I have had this blog since 2005.  Which means I am A) old, B) possibly narcissistic, and C) apparently really fond of constructing sentences where I label things by letter.  I periodically go through phases when I really enjoy writing and/or watching movies and this has been a fun place to do that.  It's also been a way to be anonymously snarky about people who are wealthier and more successful than I am.  So, go me.

Then, this happened:

Someone dropped a Toblerone on my stats page.

Yeah.  It's weird, right?  This totally epic increase of... what posting was that exactly?  Oh yeah, this one.   Now, normally I think I'm pretty funny but, contrary to the filmmakers expectations, a movie review of Atlas Shrugged doesn't generate that many hits. Nope.  However, this does:

not actually porn. really.

Yup.  This picture created a storm of traffic because apparently 2,724 people Googled the phrase "kung fu panda porn."   That's right, animated panda porn.  And don't think this was limited to one particular region of the world, oh no.  From Morocco to Brazil, Indonesia to Poland, everybody wants them some hot CGI plushie action.

Now, I know very well that no one is actually reading my blog.  There's  no time for that even if they A) were fluent in English and B) cared.  Nope, I'm just generating 200 hits a week with a picture of a tiger and a snake AND because I tagged something with the phrase "hipster clothing."   So, I am very much aware that I am not that cool, that I don't have a multi-national fan base, and that there is no book deal in the works.

This is not a photo of me... yet.

However, it's becoming tricky to look at these numbers and actually write.  It's sort of like the difference between getting dressed to run to the Wal-Mart at 11pm on a Tuesday night and getting dressed to be filmed in a reality show about people who visit Wal-Mart at 11pm on a Tuesday night.  HUGE difference there, even if no one would ever watch a reality show about people who visit Wal-Mart at 11pm on a Tuesday night.  (Okay, well, maybe I would.  But only if they play hide-and-seek.)  It's gotten so bad that I'm starting to not want to go to the movies because then I would feel guilty for not blogging it, or worse, blogging badly. 

I know, that IS an embarrassing panty line

I know I am being ridiculous. I know that as long as I occasionally run a spell check on this mess I won't end up the object of mass derision and scorn.  I know that this blog is still mine, still silly, and still small.  However knowing stuff doesn't ever seem to keep me from being slightly crazy.  So, for the next little while, if I end up sounding stilted or contrived or self-conscious, please have the courtesy to look away -- just as you would do if you saw me at Wal-Mart at 11pm on a Tuesday night.

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 2

Right.
Well, that's done then.

Its a remarkably quiet film, specially when you consider all the battles and screaming and destruction.  Everyone is dirty and unhappy which is fine cause Harry has to die to save the world.  I'm happy that Nevil Longbottom ended up killing Voldemort, we got to see all of Snape's memories, and I didn't have to watch Hermione pretend to "act." 

It was a well-done film and a fitting end to the series. 

DOCTOR WHO -- Greatest Superhero EVER!!

To begin, the Doctor IS a superhero.  For reals.   
He matches up with all of the guidelines which are, loosely:

•  Have a super power or be alien. 

Regeneration! Ta da!

•  Have a dicey relationship with the laws of physics (as currently known/understood by human race.)

The TARDIS. Bigger on the inside.

•  Have a really good origin story/traumatic childhood. (see: Time War)

Home, aka "The planet I blew up during the Time War"

•  Possess an arch nemesis.

I would have added a Dalek photo here but Dalek fangirls are funnier.

•  Have poor taste in clothing. 

Capes? Anyone? You? Oh, you already have a bow.

•  Have the desire/ability to save people from dire situations

Saving the world from the Sycorax in his pyjamas -- just like every other superhero!

•  AND, Have a strongly ingrained reluctance to kill

Unless it's one of these guys. Then it's ON!

So there. 

Now, why is the Doctor the Greatest Superhero EVER!!!?  It's because he's FUNNY!  Standard (i.e. made in America) superheros take themselves waaay too seriously. 

The spanx under the spandex is what makes us frown.

Apparently saving the world is some real serious business and there is nothing, NOTHING funny about me wearing my underpants on the outside. Nothing. Stop giggling.

Does this man look like he takes himself seriously?

The good Doctor, however, really doesn't walk around with a cop face on while planning to save the universe.  He uses the TARDIS like a regular person would -- to get babes.  The saving the world stuff just keeps coming up when he's on his way to show some fine lady and/or her friends a good time on Arcateen V 'cause chicks dig Butterfly People and writing bad poetry.  He carries a sonic screwdriver because it's more useful than blasters or other such single-purpose tools and it starts with the word "screw."  He's the last of the pompously-named Time Lords and he's just out to have a good time.

The Sexiest U-Boat Captain alive

So the Doctor is the greatest superhero EVER because he's willing to help everyone and is all about having a laugh on the way. (This officially makes him 73% cooler than Superman since good ol' Kal-El is pretty dull once you get over the x-ray vision party trick.)  And, in case you were wondering, of all the doctors who have ever been THE Doctor, Christopher Eccleson was the hottest.