BEOWULF -- 7

10 Things I Learned from BEOWULF

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1. Naked CGI men can be HOT!! (Let's hear it for technology!!)

2. Apparently, if you're hot enough, mermaids do exist.

3. So do demons.

4. There is no reason for me to grow my hair out 'cause it will never ever turn into a braid long enough and smart enough to be used as an extra limb.

5. Crispin Glover is the creepiest man alive and I'd totally stalk him if he didn't freak me out.

6. The next time I'm an evil demon screaming "GIVE ME A SON!!!" at a man, I need to make sure he's not an Anthony Hopkins-type of man. Apparently they give you babies with no ears or skin.

7. molten gold = good clothing alternative

8. Hey! They had snow plows to clear the roads back then, too!

9. Violence in 3D is just that much more disturbing.

10. Sometimes it pays to be the crabby best friend who refuses to go along with every stupid idea your buddy has. Gets ya the kingdom and no demon sons.

BOURNE ULTIMATUM -- 9

10 Cool Things About BOURNE ULTIMATUM

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1. The camera work wasn't as shaky as it was in BOURNE SUPREMACY!

2. Whatever hisory Bourne and Nicky Parsons (Julia Stile's character) had, I didn't have to hear about it!!!

3. All of those places in London? I'v been there!!!

4. The evil scientist and brainwashing facility look EXACTLY like the evil scientist and adamantium-injecting facility Wolverine went to in the X-Men movies!

5. When a reporter panicked & disobeyed instructions, he got shot in the head, which is what would reallyhappen!

6. Most of the good guys are ladies!

7. The bad guys actually keep records of all the bad things they did! Just like Nazis!!

8. Someone in the government actually gets in trouble for doing very bad things!!!!

9. Matt Damon!!!

10. Julia Stiles can never ever come back again!!!!!

HOT FUZZ -- 10!

10 Things I Love About HOT FUZZ!

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1. Toothpicks and cheap gas station sunglasses

2. Farmer's Mums

3. Model Villages

4. Aaron A. Aaronson

5. The Andys

6. Timothy Dalton

7. "Fire" by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown

8. Silly police cars in England

9. Priests screaming "PEAS AND CARROTS" while falling to the ground

10. The Greater Good

DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN -- 8

I liked it! I didn't see it in the theater cause the preview showed a man in old lady drag chainsawing a couch in half. I'd already lived through BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE and decided to give DIARY a miss. I'm sad I waited so long. Unlike BIG MOMMA'S the fat-suited man in DIARY is not the hero but eh crazy comic relief who gets into fights, pulls guns on people, wont go to church until they get a smoking section, nad only lets her brother live with her 'cause she wants his Social Security check. In short, Madea Simmons is the wild woman you want to be, minus the line dancing.

DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN is really a sweet Christian fairy tale without the normal self-righteous tang most self-conciously Christian movies have. The standard glossy perfection, the smug assurance that everything is simple and always works out perfectly if you just do what your'e told is absent in this film. Instead, Madea, the larger than life grandma, somehow keeps it real by acting on what we really want to happen (punching someone in the face) and accepting the consequences of that action (house arrest.)

Basically, see it. The men are impossibly beautiful and well-spoken, the women are all strong and wise, and gun-toting grandmas are the best things around.