HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX -- by naudy (7)

If this is the film that tells us whether or not these child actors can make the transition to real actors, then I'm ready to text in my vote, or dial whatever 888 number they flash on the screen. If there was any inhuman task, any impossible feat which would guarantee Emma Watson (aka Hermione) would NEVER BE FILMED AGAIN, I would do it in a heartbeat.

That being said, the director of PHOENIX managed to minimize her damage to this film pretty well. Her reaction shots only gave me a small rash and one that was easily treated with a mild steroid cream.

David Yates (director) made a subtle, workman like film ideally suited for television and one which made me question the point of making films about books at all. Obviously a Potter movie will always make hideous piles of cash, but why should I so see it? I'v managed to avoid SPIDER MAN III and PIRATES III, so why POTTER V? Harry is a pill all throughout the incredibly huge book, anyway, so what will watching him for two hours do for me?

I don't have a good answer but I have some ideas. The Potter movies I have really enjoyed always showed me something of the characters that was physical, something personal that I'd never imagined, gave me a glimpse into who these kids really are and what they're doing/feeling. The plot can be cut up and rearranged all you like as long as the characters become better, bigger, more real. When character is neglected for cheap effects and plodding plots, my response is... eh. Who cares?

So, there you go. Evanna Lynch is perfectly wonderfully lovely as Luna "Looney" Lovegood, Imelda Staunton manages to portray the ultimate in pink evil as Dolores Umbrage, and everyone with any sort of acting chops at all has a lovely time. Daniel Radcliff works very hard in this film to show Harry as something other than a whiny git, even going to far as to develop a tic he mentally picks up from Lord Voldemort, but the script lets him down. Shame, really. But Dan can rest comfortably knowing he would get my first vote on "Who Can Act Their Way Out Of Puberty/A Paper Bag?"

OCEAN'S THIRTEEN -- by naudy (6)

Now, we all know that Brad Pitt is this generation's Robert Redford but it's unfortunate that his skin is beginning to look like un-cooked cookie dough, just like Mr. Sundance. George Clooney, childless, Jolie-less, and fancy-free only gets prettier as he ages, thus proving my long-standing theory that brunettes age better than blondes.

Oh, and about the movie. It's stylish and clever and smug and funny. So there.

AN OPEN LETTER

To: Michael Bay
CC: Steven Spielberg


Dear Sir,

While I wouldn't argue that TRANSFORMERS is a no holds barred, adrenaline fueled thrill ride, I do have some questions. They are as follows:


1. Does Stephen Hawking know what sort of havoc you are wreaking on the space-time continum? Unless this film was set on Mercury, with it's much much quicker planetary spin, the sudden changes from day to night and back again are staggering. I understand quick cuts from night to morning as an easy transition but mid-day to midnight in the duration of one soldier's video call to his family? Are you kidding me? It is not only a bit abrupt but shows complete disregard for the craft AND the audience when Sam leaves his house at six in the evening and arrives at the lake party around 2pm.
I'm just sayin'.

2. If the Autobots and Decepticons learned everything they know from the internet then how is it theDecepticons only ever watched bad '70's porn? 'Cause that's the ONLY way to explain the preponderanceof mustaches on their theoretical (holographic?) drivers. Thank you for not using '70's porn music as well.

3. Speaking of the '70's, what's with the giant Bat signal to communicate?? Do they use CB radios, too? These guys are so advanced they ushered in the modern age while unconcious but they can't manage to send a basic "Hey yall,the party's here!" signal without using a spotlight? Please....

4. I know dogs don't look up and police officers are sometimes called dog faces so does it somehow follow that two hellicopters full of men will somehow be unable to look up and see the GIANT ROBOT HIDING IN THE BRIDGE???
They have infrared goggles but seeing the sky is too scary?? No. Next time you go for a cheap plot device, try to find a more complicated bridge. One a helicopter can't fly under and look up the skirts of.

5. Who gave you the photographs of John Tuturo with and underage prostitute 'cause that's the ONLY way to explain his presence in this film at all. His blatant contempt for the entire project was obvious and only increased when he was reduced to wearing "Aloha" boxers for the sake of a cheap gag.

6. Are you sure the Patriot Act allows Australian strippers to do Defence department work at the Pentagon? And is there a strict four-inch-stilletto's-only rule if they are?

7. If everyone's hair had to be perfect so any single frame from the film could be used in Tiger Beat magazine, how is it our leading lady could barely open her mascara-caked eyelashes from the weight of the clumps? Heard of
and eyelash comb? Talk to makeup.

8. While on the subject, do you only belive in Girl Power on alternate Tuesdays?? 'Cause any girl who has been to Juvie, stole cars with her dad, hot wires things,picks handcuff locks, can take apart and put together an entire car, and managed to cut off the head of a stabby-looking robot with an electric knife OBVIOUSLY is going to have a breakdown for no reason while hiding in an alley?? Is going to scream "I'm going to die" while driving erratically? Is going to be surprised that the guys she dates are jerks? Is going to refuse to get in a car while being chased by a giant robot? Is going to drive a Vespa???!!!
Perhaps you could re-think your attitude towards women before making your next film. Then talk to Joss Whedon.

9. Have you heard of the Episodes I - III Rule, as made famous by George Lucas? It goes like this -- "Just because you can, dosn't mean you should."
Enough said.

10. Location, Location, Location. Who do you think you're kidding?? We know what L.A. looks like and we know it's more than 20 min away from Las Vegas. Giant robots crush everything with their weight but somehow residential houses and 100 year old observatories can bear their weight? That observatory is in
EVERY MOVIE made in L.A., starting with Rebel Without A Cause. No one can hide out there without shoving their way through thirteen film crews! By the way, the Hoover Dam was built by ROOSEVELT and re-named
for Hoover later.


Thank you for your time,
Sincerely,
Naudy.