THE SMURFS: A (HUGE) Steaming Pile of Smurf -- by Nat Hall

Dear Snooden,

I  have taken it upon myself to send you my review of the Smurf movie since said movie would probably not be seen by anybody else unless their 4 year old daughter was extra good and used her cuteness to sucker a parent into to taking her... Please use this as the title:

A (HUGE) Steaming Pile of Smurf.

This movie sucked the smurfing life out of me.  I wasn't hip to it in the first place because it had Neil Patrick Harris as a star.  I have nothing against the smurffer 'cept the fact that I missed the memo saying he is our "go-to guy" when the script was going to be the smurfingest stinker of a script.  I am not saying that he is not a funny guy but he is only funny in 10-15 minutes at a time. Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog? 15 min episodes.  Harold and Kumar movies? 10 minutes at MOST.  How I Met Your Smurfing Mother?  He is PART of cast of 20 in a 30 minute episode...so screen time is what?? Maybe 5 minutes??  HELLO did we forget about Doogie Howser???  Seriously is that now the man about whom we are going to say "Smurf it!  That man can carry a smurfing movie!"

Katy Perry: Not Embarrassed. Smurfette: Embarrassed for her

Since we are on the smurfing subject, why wasn't anybody other than Katie Perry not embarassed to smurf to the world that they were voicing these little blue Smurfers?  I would shamefully cash in that smurfing check as well but good for them for not exploiting the fact and smurf their careers.  Except for NPH and Tim Gunn.  Did I say Tim Gunn??  Oh.My.Smurf!   Time Gunn turns to NPH and says "That can't be a good sign."  OMS(murf)!!!  I was smurfing the same thing!  When you have to use "Make it Work" just to get me to cluck in a movie that is smurfing low.  I was seriously smurfing pissed that my smurfing fashionista was using this smurfing terrible situation to use those inspiring words that I often hear when I'm up smurf creek without a paddle. (It's also the only line in the whole movie that tells you where this movie is going and what the audience is thinking.)  What's next??? 

 It would have been more entertaining if they were busy blowing rainbows out of their smurfs instead of them going around smurfing everybody up the smurf.  Actually that is what I felt like, because I was seriously the biggest steaming pile of smurf.

So basically I sat my fat smurf in an uncomfortable seat for far too long and was not happy about it even though my 4 year-old thought it was just ok.  Are you smurfing kidding me??? My smurfing 4 year old thought it was just okay.  Although with Tim Gunn in the picture I know she too had higher hopes.  I might as well have burned the smurfing wad of cash that I spent on that Smurfing turd.  It wouldn't have been as smelly either.   

So in conclusion you would be better off without smurfing this smurfety movie.  Smurf them!

Editor's Note:

This movie also has a cameo by Joan Rivers.  While 9 out of 10 Joan Rivers scientist agree that The Smurf Movie could in no way help her career, that tenth guy pointed out that letting small children become familiar with her face now

will help them to accept her (and buy her products) more successfully later when she looks like this:

Watch out for Ms River's Miracle Spray-On Moisture Skin and Stretching Rack to be featured exclusively on QVC!  (Product will be available in 2032.)

THE SEASON OF THE WITCH & RED RIDING HOOD

THE SEASON OF THE WITCH and RED RIDING HOOD both get a (5) because I couldn't actually pay attention to either of them. They both might actually merit a different score (higher or lower) but I can't be bothered to watch them again.



I rented these movies because they looked like the perfect thing to ignore while converting these:

  into these:

You know, like one does.


Which is to say that while I'm a bit squiffy on the intricate plot details, I certainly managed to form an opinion in spite of all the paint fumes and hot glue burns.

SEASON OF THE WITCH is set during the Crusades and the Plague and has a witch and Nicholas Cage, blah blah blah.  What you really need to know is it has this guy:

Ron Perlman

If you don't know him right away you may recognize him as this guy:

"Didn't I kill you already?"

or, for all you Airbender kids out there, this guy:

"You WILL learn respect!"

Is this movie over yet?

Basically Ron Perlman is the man so I was happy to see him.  He's pretty much the only bright spot in a very dim film.  I expected this movie to be a basic horror flick but there was a surprising amount of sword fighting and junk like that.  Nick Cage does his (now-standard) Droopy Dog act, we had to be introduced to characters whom were so covered in dirt as to be interchangeable,  and it was a huge relief when the demons finally showed up so the mess could be over.  Of course there was the obligatory "The Church is horrible!" theme running through the whole thing.

Your outfit is more glamorous than mine! Die!

Really, one can't NOT have someone with entirely modern sensibilities standing around in the 1300's and pointing out that the Crusades were appalling and killing random women for causing a plague is a dumb idea. (Well, unless she's Typhoid Mary.)  If they didn't have someone making commentary on all the horror or demanding that an accused witch "receive a fair trial." (Did those even exist in the 14th century?) then there's a chance someone somewhere might decide that going to a middle eastern country and killing everyone because they don't believe the same things you believe is a really good idea.  (Um, it's not.)

So, ho hum, this movie happened, and if you want to see more Ron Perlman just wait 'till August. He's gonna be in the new Conan movie! (Yay!)

RED RIDING HOOD was a TWILIGHT wannabe starring Amanda Seyfried and some other alleged eye candy.  They even got the dad from the TWILIGHT series to be the dad in this movie.   Everyone was suspiciously clean and attractive and "Valerie" was the most special special snowflake in a teeny tiny town. She is so special, in fact, that the "hot" woodcutter dangerous (wolf)boy and the "rich" quiet not-very-muscular-for-being-a-blacksmith boring guy are competing over her.  She has snarky friends, creepy family connections, a hot red cloak, and nothing to worry about except for an arranged marriage until the.. wait for it.. the RED MOON COMES!!  Ah-ooooo!!!!  (That was a wolf howl. They're hard to spell.)

Luckily Gary Oldman shows up right about then to A) explain what a red moon means, B) cackle delightedly as the townspeople are murdered by a werewolf, and C) slow-roast unwilling mentally impaired witnesses.  So, you know, your average middle-ages purple-dress-wearing warrior-priest.  Everyone is naturally appalled at his behavior and eventually he gets what's coming to him but not before a lot of shouting, sneering, and pseudo-science.

Of course the the boys rescue her from the wolf, grandma gets eaten, and they almost have sex next to a blazing fire in a barn full of dry hay, but other than that it's pretty normal.  Well, normal in a TWILIGHT way.

The overall production value was on par with a really good Xena:Warrior Princess episode.  (Or, if you prefer something more manly, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys starring Kevin Sorbo.) The wolf was about as good as a TWILIGHT wolf.  I did like that the girls in the village had period-appropriate (aka "ugly") hair compared to her.  I always love to see the first rule of period costuming followed: "Make the leading lady hot. Ignore every bit of the 200 hours of historical costuming research you just did and MAKE  HER HOT!!"

Since I don't much like Ms Seyfried, this seems like a lot of work. She looks like this:

and she reminds me of this:

I rest my case.

Captain America: a Rebuttal -- by my sister Caroline

Ok, I'd like to defend my "That was really good" statement as Natalie so nicely pointed out and mocked.

Yes, she has a point in that this movie is TOTALLY ridiculous  in the  "it's big, it's small, it's big again!" consistency  aspect.


Besides the magical pants (they turned into tight & short capri's on the buff guy), towards the end our military looked like they were all dressed in Desert Storm white and tan camo. (Weird, since the rest of the movie,it looked like everything was green, or brown?   Did we run out of regular camo or what?)  But other than that,  the costuming was good; well, maybe not good as in award winning, but it was pretty. For the majority of the time, it seemed to flow with the 40s theme.

Speaking of 40s themed movies, remember Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow?  That movie sucked.  This one didn't

I've seen my share of pooptastic movies. Just off the top of my head, some of the poopiest movies:   The Book of Mormon Movie Part I (Sister Rose the head costumer, fresh off a church gym roadshow, apparently had personal issues against irons and/or ironing, or anything not on the Walmart dollar fabric bin, or found at garage sales, or stolen from the camping gear closet.  I could almost see the gluestick glue holding crap together.)

Then there's everyone's fav to hate: Glitter, (if you haven't seen this,  it's a must, to establish a baseline of badness) and more recently, Bridesmaids. (Tirade on this to follow shortly)   In comparison to these and other pooperific shows, Captain America "was really good".  It was fun. It was campy.  It was superhero movie and since I have never, nor will ever care to read the comic, I'm ok with any departures they may or may not have taken from the source material. I didn't hate myself for watching it. I knew going in that it's not Masterpece Theater.  It is a popcorn movie.  Of course it was cheesy.  Of course I have to suspend belief. Isn't that why we go to the movies in the first place, to suspend belief?   Didn't we do that in Transformers 1&2, and tell ourselves Megan Fox could act? (Running, screaming, mouth breathing, flipping the hair, bending over with her bum towards the camera... wow, I think I know what her audition tape was like.)  (Oops. Did I just say that out loud?) And won't we do it again for Transformers 3?  Summer movies are not about reality, they are about an escape from reality and by that measure Captain America WAS "really good."