DARK SHADOWS/JOHN CARTER -- meh

So, a friend loaned me a book called The Fourth Turning which, so far, is mostly about the attitudes held by different generations and and the effect those attitudes have on history.  According to the book, a "generation" is everyone born within a 20-ish year block, and after four generations a "saeculum" is complete, each generation representing the four seasons.  How accurate the book may or may not be in it's approach or data collection is of far less interest to me than the new paradigm it presents.  Even just thinking about generational shifts makes me see things differently.

I went to see DARK SHADOWS with my older sister and she laughed and hooted and clapped through the entire movie.   This made the movie a lot more fun, obviously, but it was interesting because I didn't think it was quite that amusing.  To me it was the same sorts of jokes that Tim Burton and Johnny Depp like to tell.  Visual jokes like vampires doing normal stuff

or vampires trying to find someplace to sleep

and cultural contrast jokes like vampires presented with eggos

or sitting in beanbag chairs.

Caroline loved it and it prompted me to do some googling.

Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are only a handful of years older than my sister.  When they came of age they began to make films with a very specific ethos, a vision very different than anything anyone had ever seen. Twenty years later, what they created has become NORMAL, and the distinctions between their subversive vision and normal pop culture today are almost non-existent.   DARK SHADOWS is a fine film, and the campy soap-opera acting was fun, but it showed the Burton/Depp ethos to be shockingly conventional.  I mean, little kids run around dressed like Captain Jack Sparrow and Jack the Pumpkin King at Disneyland.  It doesn’t get any more mainstream than that.

JOHN CARTER, however, is nothing BUT old fashioned and out-of-date which is no surprise at all since the source material for the film is a book first published in 1911.   The real question is WHY Disney thought it would make a good movie.  Yes it's a classic series, yes they probably got the rights fairly cheaply, but there's still no reason to put ANY movie on Mars, much less one with "magical flying machines" and sword fighting and princesses in dire need of saving.

However homo-eroticism has never gone out of style

I'm thinking the real reason JOHN CARTER was made was a lame attempt to cash in on the Steampunk trend that was happening there for a bit.   Yes, there is a community who still enjoys steam punk gear and books and lifestyles, but when Steampunk is part of an episode of Castle and has spawned a line of romance novels... well, I think we all agree that it, as a trend, has jumped the shark.


That said, you do have to give props to the writers of JOHN CARTER for explaining how something we KNOW looks like this:

"Hey look! There's my shovel!" -- Mars Rover

could possibly support life that looks like this:

"Does the BLM know yall spray painted all that sagebrush here in Death Valley?"

Their VERY clever explanation is that, sure, Mars is a complete wasteland now but that's just because the Martians wreaked ecological disaster on their own planet. In the 1890s it was totally just a desert-ish place populated with cute things like toad dogs

It's both cuter and creepier than you think.

and six-limbed "primitive" native peoples who live in caves.

"Welcome white unattractive dude.  We expect you to go native & then betray us for a white woman in exactly 1.5 hrs." 

Now, it's not all bad.   The princess has some fantastic henna.

and I liked the Star Wars monster

but other than that it was pretty ho-hum.  I think a lot of my apathy was because of the leading man, Taylor Kitsch.  Bad acting, over acting, speech impediments,and general unattractiveness I can live with but please, please, don't let the leading man be BORING! 

Admit it.  You got bored just looking at this photo.

Mr Kitsch is DULL.   And that is a big problem with a swashbuckling, sword-fighting, big-budget picture like this.   


Also, when casting a leading man, make sure he can make skirts look manly.  Kitsch looks like he's wearing a nice party dress for most of the film.

"What? Skirts don't chafe!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER -- by the Hairdresser

I know a few things about a few presidents...George Washington has wooden teeth,  William Henry Harrison served a 30 day term  ( got immediately sick and DIED)  and Abraham Lincoln was a BAD ASS

Fact!: Abraham Lincoln was PISSED and weapon of choice was an AX coated in silver.  I could never see Mr. President as  a gun man, but an ax man I get.  At first I was a little sad because he wasn't wielding it, he was twirling it like the flag girl in the marching band thus making me uncomfortable but it took SECONDS for him to become one with his ax giving him one bad ass weapon of choice.  Once you get that weapon where you want it, whose to say you can do OTHER things to it, like stick a silver stabber on the end...or a gun in the handle??? Oh wait Lincoln DID that.  

"Hmm... maybe I'll install a flame thrower on this thing..."

Fact: Tall and lanky doesn't mean you can't do things like dodge horses that are thrown at you.  I don't know another president that was equally as tall, or equally as strong, or equally at awkward looking...but I know that because of all those things gave Mr. President 16 the TRIFECTA of bad assery, THUS giving him the ability to dodge thrown horses.

Fact: Just because you are 50 doesn't mean you can use AWESOME things like Silver knuckles (because brass knuckles doesn't kill vampires duh!)  

Fact:  Just because you are 50 does not mean you can't beat the hell out of vampires on TOP of a high speed trains.  I know that he groans when he sits down or grunts when he has to stand up, and no matter what people tell you 50 is NOT the new 40...all I know,  kicking ass a top of a train and leaping from car to car SANS grunting isn't very 50. 

"It's fixin' to get REAL in here, yall!"

Fact: The South was full of Vampires.  I don't know if you are like me but I am not a fan of slavery, OR vampires.  Both are evil bitches that need to be put to death, and if shooting Silver from cannons would kill them both, then  I say do it.  Lincoln did it, and THAT is why he was president.  

"I'm about to speech the HECK outta this this speech!"

These are just some of the reasons I know that Lincoln was a bad ass.  Now I am not positive, but I am pretty confident that Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, could beat the hell out of ANY Avenger.  I mean really could any one of them write the Gettysburg Address?? Oh look ANOTHER reason Mr. AL is my new super hero.  Now somebody give that man a cape.

"Cape? I don't need no stinkin' cape! I gots my hat to keep me safe!"

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS -- 5

So my oldest sister and her family came to visit Vegas a while back and, since the kids were sunburnt from a day at the pool and everyone was exhausted from tromping up and down The Strip, Michelle decided to get some Redbox DVDs, junk food, and hang out in their beautiful hotel room.  One of the DVDs she got was MIDNIGHT IN PARIS and when the family saw this they said "What? No!" and went off into the other room to watch SpongeBob SquarePants, or Disney Channel or DIE HARD or something.   Obviously I stayed with Michelle, Caroline, and my niece Jamie and we watched this movie.

I think the rest of the family showed better judgement in their entertainment choices.  MIDNIGHT IN PARIS is Woody Allen's self-indulgent trip through 70's morality.  The entire story hinges on concepts and cultural beliefs which are so tremendously out of date it's bizarre to watch and equally bizarre that this film was nominated, and won, Academy Awards.

No, wait, I take that back.  Most of the members of the Academy are the same age as Mr Allen so they probably share the same values.   Anyway, I will detail below what I think dates this film so dramatically, but first I want to say that the actors in this film obviously had a blast being in it.   As much as I disliked the writing, there is value in a pack of friends getting together to delight in the process of acting and collaborating with each other.

Adrian Brody alone is enough reason to have made this film

WHY THIS MOVIE IS REALLY SET IN THE 70'S

1. Television is Good These Days

 Gil and his fiancee are in Paris with her parents on a vacation and Gil talks about how he wants to get out of writing for television and instead to write his novel.  He complains about being a hack writer and wants to write a novel because that would be the pinnacle of artistic expression.  Because those little shows like "Lost", or "The Wire", or "The Sopranos", or "Arrested Development", or "Mad Men", or "24", or "30 Rock", or"Firefly" are terrible shows?  I mean, sure Gil might be working on the next Flavor Flav reality show but in today's environment, writing for television is not something to be ashamed of.   Televison is cool. Television can be great.  Novels can be self-published and released on Amazon.com for $.99.

2. Gil Idolizes the 1920's

Really?  The 1920's?  Who do you know who is obsessed with the 1920's?   Do you know what era folks are obsessed with?  The 1960's.   The 1960's are roughly 50 years in the past from 2012. The 1920's are roughly 50 years in the past from the 1970's.   I don't know anyone in their 30's who obsesses over Lost Generation jazz, style, literature, or art but I do know a LOT of folks who wear modified beehives, collect mid-century ashtrays, and watch Mad Men religiously.

This is a  CURRENT ad campaign for Ray Ban.

3. No One Uses Their Smart Phones

Seriously?  If you were magically transported to the 1920's, wouldn't you be taking some photos?  Maybe feel sad you couldn't facebook the experience?  Would you, perhaps, call or text your girlfriend while wandering through the streets of a strange city so she knows you are alright?

This is a normal visit with friends.

4. Gil Carries Around Valium In His Pockets

The casual dispensing of downer meds, particularly that 70's standby, Valium, is SO drug culture/disco 70's that I was shocked to see it in the film.  Valium?  If you are on meds for anxiety, you are probably on a psychotropic once-a-day med which stays in your bathroom.  If anything, one would be on Xanax, and that's a 12 hour drug.  Valium is for 70's housewives.

Who look EXACTLY like this lady.

5. His Girlfriend and Her Mother Discuss Spending $15,000 On A Chair

Yes, it's supposed to be a joke to demonstrate the crass materialism of his fiancee's family but it's weird.  We live in 2012, where no one is sure to have a job no matter what education you have.  Folks my age aren't buying houses because the job market is so unstable.  Buying a chair for the cost of a nice-ish car is not only unrealistic but sets the wrong tone.  Crass materialism isn't cool these days, crass materialism disguised as green technology and upcycled products is.   If Woody Allen had any idea of what the world is really like, he would have had the fiancee and her mother cooing over a chair made from old West African boat parts, assembled in a sweatshop, and shipped to Paris at extreme cost.  Showing the conflict between someone's stated value of fair-trade industry and then watching them spend thoughtlessly is far more 2012.

THIS is a chair you would pay a lot of money for in Paris, and it's shipped there from West Africa.

6.  His Girlfriend Casually Sleeps With Another Man While They Are On Vacation

It's just weird.  Unless they are in an open relationship, but that would require them both to communicate with each other, which they don't do.  Which is also weird.

7. In The End He Is Rewarded For His Bohemian Values By Getting The Girl

Because when you are betrayed by your fiancee and walk out of a hotel room jobless, homeless, and bereft of human company, OBVIOUSLY you are ready to start a relationship with another woman.   In fact Gil DESERVES a woman as a "prize" for... something?  Being honest for once in his life?  Ignoring the fact that nostalgia is a way for us to process our current generation through the safe distance of a previous generation's style?  Or perhaps it's just because the actress Lea Seydoux

looks exactly like Annie Hall.

That ratty center-parted hair practically screams 1970's.  Good thing that's when this movie was really written.