THE SMURFS: A (HUGE) Steaming Pile of Smurf -- by Nat Hall

Dear Snooden,

I  have taken it upon myself to send you my review of the Smurf movie since said movie would probably not be seen by anybody else unless their 4 year old daughter was extra good and used her cuteness to sucker a parent into to taking her... Please use this as the title:

A (HUGE) Steaming Pile of Smurf.

This movie sucked the smurfing life out of me.  I wasn't hip to it in the first place because it had Neil Patrick Harris as a star.  I have nothing against the smurffer 'cept the fact that I missed the memo saying he is our "go-to guy" when the script was going to be the smurfingest stinker of a script.  I am not saying that he is not a funny guy but he is only funny in 10-15 minutes at a time. Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog? 15 min episodes.  Harold and Kumar movies? 10 minutes at MOST.  How I Met Your Smurfing Mother?  He is PART of cast of 20 in a 30 minute episode...so screen time is what?? Maybe 5 minutes??  HELLO did we forget about Doogie Howser???  Seriously is that now the man about whom we are going to say "Smurf it!  That man can carry a smurfing movie!"

Katy Perry: Not Embarrassed. Smurfette: Embarrassed for her

Since we are on the smurfing subject, why wasn't anybody other than Katie Perry not embarassed to smurf to the world that they were voicing these little blue Smurfers?  I would shamefully cash in that smurfing check as well but good for them for not exploiting the fact and smurf their careers.  Except for NPH and Tim Gunn.  Did I say Tim Gunn??  Oh.My.Smurf!   Time Gunn turns to NPH and says "That can't be a good sign."  OMS(murf)!!!  I was smurfing the same thing!  When you have to use "Make it Work" just to get me to cluck in a movie that is smurfing low.  I was seriously smurfing pissed that my smurfing fashionista was using this smurfing terrible situation to use those inspiring words that I often hear when I'm up smurf creek without a paddle. (It's also the only line in the whole movie that tells you where this movie is going and what the audience is thinking.)  What's next??? 

 It would have been more entertaining if they were busy blowing rainbows out of their smurfs instead of them going around smurfing everybody up the smurf.  Actually that is what I felt like, because I was seriously the biggest steaming pile of smurf.

So basically I sat my fat smurf in an uncomfortable seat for far too long and was not happy about it even though my 4 year-old thought it was just ok.  Are you smurfing kidding me??? My smurfing 4 year old thought it was just okay.  Although with Tim Gunn in the picture I know she too had higher hopes.  I might as well have burned the smurfing wad of cash that I spent on that Smurfing turd.  It wouldn't have been as smelly either.   

So in conclusion you would be better off without smurfing this smurfety movie.  Smurf them!

Editor's Note:

This movie also has a cameo by Joan Rivers.  While 9 out of 10 Joan Rivers scientist agree that The Smurf Movie could in no way help her career, that tenth guy pointed out that letting small children become familiar with her face now

will help them to accept her (and buy her products) more successfully later when she looks like this:

Watch out for Ms River's Miracle Spray-On Moisture Skin and Stretching Rack to be featured exclusively on QVC!  (Product will be available in 2032.)