Movie Review:ULTRAVIOLET -- by naudy (0)

Notes from the 3.18.06 viewing of ULTRAVIOLET


– Wow, this movie has synchronized ninjas. They kick "Lord of the Dance’s" trash!
– Why have color change hair/clothing technology if you just end up wearing Blu-Blocker sunglasses and a vest you borrowed from Ivana Trump in 1983?.
– Glass armor doesn’t seem to work very well. Next time I take over the world remind me not to issue battle gear that easily shatters.
– I KNEW staple guns were deadly!!!
– Best Line Said By A Nameless Character EVER!: "I don’t know what that is but it’s ours now!"
– Whether or not the rampant face-blurring in this picture is caused by digital effects or petrolatum jelly smeared on the lense, it still looks like a Barbara Streisand movie.
– It’s a really good thing soldiers don’t know how to look up 'cause it would make it a lot harder to negotiate an escape from this mall.
– Next time we get into a huge gang fight, try not to stand in a circle. It doesn’t work.
– After each 15 people killed, be sure to strike an Elvis pose near the floor. Hold that pose for 10 seconds and then move on.
– Milla’s got a supernova in her pants.
– When choosing vampire friends, pick the sweaty ones who wear beat-up sweaters and hang out in parking lots. They’re more likely to be lonely enough to help you.
– Our villain has a tea-strainer up his nose, drinks out of hermetically sealed cups, packs his gun in a ZipLock bag to keep germs away, but drinks coffee out of some filthy office coffee pot???
– Keep your movie budget down by getting people to throw cabbages and aluminum cans around in the dark. Have everyone lie down, turn the lights on and, TaDa! You’ve got a fight sequence!
– After using a lot of tired iconography, is it funny to include the bad guys doing the three monkey "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" thing after being shot? Or am I just tired?
– Next time someone asks you "Where is this?" the correct answer starts with the phrase, "When I was a little girl..." and ends by not answering the question.
– Yay! We’re in a graveyard!
– "Hermetically Interred", the latest in death storage technology!
– If you are a man who’s stupid enough to wear a long nasty skinny braid that goes past your backside and then pick a fight with a woman who’s 2/3rds more pissed-off than you, you deserve to be strangled with your own hair.
– Dear Mr. Director: if you feel the need to show me a ticking clock, please tell me where the clock is and why I have to look at it. Thank you.
– Disposable paper phones are the CHEAPEST in stupid props.
– Uh oh, her phobia of crowds is acting up again!!!
– If you don’t want to be known as the potty-mouth killer vampire, don’t call the bad guy a "prick."
– Poor sweaty sweater-wearing vampire. He saved her life and she rewarded him by almost touching his face.
– Worst Line Poorly Translated From Another Language EVER: "These moments, as beautiful as they are, are EVIL when they go."
– We had to watch cheap effects and an entire movie filmed in just one location so you could have a CGI shot of a giant cross-shaped compound surrounded by 2 miles of giant peat moss blocks?
– Why are those 6 people leaving the theater now and how come we can’t go with them?
– Funny that the one guy who manages to survive more than 30 seconds is the one who tries to move his sword to someplace other than it's comfortable resting place on his right shoulder.
– Costumer Note: A close up of her butt shouldn’t include pants that have a blown-out seam in the middle.
– Ooooo. Now she’s got stigmata. So she’s really Our Lady of Perpetual Whup-Ash, Patron Saint of Overacting, the Holy Mother of Six.
– Apparently their accountant said "Either you can have Barbara Streisand face effects or you can have fake blood. You can’t have both."
– Best Line By A Villain With A Tea-Strainer Up His Nose EVER! : "You threw blood on me!! ........ It’s ON!!!!!"
– Lamest Response To A Villain With A Tea-Strainer Up His Nose: [3 minute pause] "Yeah it is!"
– Handy Tip: if you scrape your sword on the ground, it catches on fire!
– The kid’s alive? FEED ON HIM!!!
– Yay!! It’s over!!! Let’s wait here so the other 5 people in the theater can’t see our faces and beat us up later for talking all the way through this movie.