ONE-EYED JACKS -- by TG Barbie

I found Marlon Brando’s “One-Eyed Jacks” at Naudy’s favorite store, BigLots. I don’t know what sold me more, the words “The one and only film directed by Marlon Brando” of the selling price of just $1.00! Either way, I knew I had to buy this movie.


The jacket goes on to say (and I have to quote here so you can get the full picture) “Marlon Brando’s first and only directing venture, is a stirring western classic (more like classic Lifetime For Women, my personal favorite, “I Woke Up Pregnant” ) featuring breathtaking cinematography (Brando had his own personal lighting, which was perfect) and a magnificent musical score. (Hum.. interestingly not a mention of any awarding winning performances) Not only did Marlon Brando direct this motion picture masterpiece, lauded as Martin Scorsese’s favorite Western, But Brando also took on the premiere role of Rio, a man betrayed by Dad Longworth (Karl Malden), his one-time partner in crime. The desperadoe’s falling out occurs when Rio and Dad are out on the lam following a bank hold-up in Mexico. As they are running from the law, Dad takes the opportunity to escape with the stolen gold, leaving Rio in the lurch. Because of Dad’s desertion, Rio is apprehended and sent up the river to do hard time. Years later Rio gets out of the slammer and goes after his double-crossing ex-partner to get revenge. He located Dad in California and is outrages to learn that the former outlaw has become a powerful, affluent sheriff. Now, not only are the two men at odds with each other, but they are on opposite sides of the law as well. The stolen gold has made Dad wealthy, and he would like nothing better than to be rid of Rio for good. (Probably since Rio is now putting the moves on Dad’s hot stepdaughter) but Rio has an agenda of vengeance and is willing to do whatever is necessary to finally settle the score.”

The story is just a backdrop to watch Marlon Brando. Brando knows he’s hot. He made a movie just for all the women in the world who were in love with him. There’s lots of Marlon reclining in that sexy, relaxed “I’m hot, and I know you want me” pose. I laughed quite a bit at the buttons about to pop off the too tight shirt straining across the beginnings of Brando’s poochy belly. Which made Brando’s smoldering “I’m too sexy for my buttons” look more funny than revolting. But I’m sure there were women in theaters audiences across America swooning at the sight. Except for the parts when I was distracted by the unflattering tight shirt, I did appreciate the cameraman, who made Brando look fabulous the entire time.

The opening shot is of Marlon Brando sitting on top of a counter, with his legs crossed, lighting a cigarette or playing with a gun or something, it doesn’t really matter what he’s doing, you just know he’s really saying to the camera, “Hello there, How YOU do’n? My first thought was “what a dandy” and then my second was “his legs sure are crossed tight”. And I won’t venture further with that.

Brando does a wonderful job showing all the many different facial emotions. (He has ‘Sexpot” down great) The first “here’s my emotion face” is manic/crazed. I swear he looks exactly like Billy Zane from Titanic and The Phantom and better yet, Arnold Vosloo, the priest Imotep thing in Brandon Fraiser’s The Mummy movie.

The whole ‘revenge’ thing is there, but mostly to serve as fuel for the love-interest to beg and plead Brando with “don’t kill my father”. (This “Western” really is a cheesy love story, not a John Wayne testosterone-y Western) This story is a romance novel’s version of a “western” since Brando seduces Dad’s stepdaughter, who then gets pregnant. Brando has to leave town since the law is once again chasing him. He of course promises the girl he loves her and he’ll be back for her and the baby. There’s a lot of blah, blah, blah, but you get the drift.

The movie is set in Mexico, and it’s a good thing I know Spanish, since there’s a lot of Spanish going on and there’s no subtitles. The Spanish Brando speaks is actually pretty good, and so is his accent. (Brando’s voice on the other hand, is another matter. When he speaks, I just expect Italian or something mafia to come out of his mouth. But once I got over that, it wasn’t too bad.) The only thing that’s in Spanish that’s remotely important is when the hot stepdaughter comes back from spending the night with Brando on the beach, and her mom asks her if she ‘slept’ with him and this time she says yes. All the other times it’s the standard “nothing happened”. But if you ask her in Spanish, she can’t lie or something. Everyone will be able to figure out what’s going on even by all the dramatic over-acting. So once again, it’s a Lifetime for Women love story that has a 60’s cheesecake (no beef here) actor.

I’d give this an 3-5 in general for but an 8 just for the Brando “I’m so hot” cheese fest.